last sun i went for my 2nd time of math tuition.
definitely wasnt effective at all.
not cos of the tcher.
just tt i was stupid.
she taught differentiation.
all the rest of the students came either from hua chong or victoria.
they had already did tt topic in sch.
but i havent.
we did Maclaurin's Theory.
i kinda figure out wad it was but i din noe how to apply it.
the teach went pouring with mathematical formulas as though evry1 knew wad she was talking abt.
in fact evry1 did except me perhaps.
cos she looked at me.
i gave her the "sorry-but-i-reli-dun-understand" look.
so she went through the same qn for 3 times n i stil didnt get what she meant.
so i suppose it was just my deteriorating intelligence.
now tt my head is just an empty shell, i feel stupid.
incredibly dumb.
failed all my subjects except general paper.
tried gobbling down ginkgo pills which r known to improve memory but not intelligence.
din reli help so i stopped.
gave up hope.
tried talking my mum out from pushing me to math tuition.
it was a waste of her money n my time.
during the last session, evry1 was on differentiation.
the teach saw tt i hadnt got a clue abt tt topic so she gave induction tutorial instead.
but i knew nuts abt induction so i asked if i cld have summation instead.
i ended doing 2 n a half qn of summation during 3hrs cos i suck at tt too.
=.=
tt was like so lame.
well, eventually i kinda persuaded my mum to not let me go for tt tuition cos i kept grumbling abt how bad it was.
n she made up her mind to hire a private tutor instead.
thanks mum...
i know u meant well but no thanks.
i'm too bz for tuition.
even sacrificing 1hr for tuition is a great deal to me cos i noe my own limits and tis will definitely not help.

***

went through a lot of bad things today.

1. my grandma got admitted into the hospital becos she slipped and fell at hm n she was going to be operated on tonight at 10.30pm bcos there was something wrg w her knee when she fell. i felt so unfilial cos i had to stay in sch for cca n pw and was unable to visit her today. knew only abt the operation only today when my mum came back. if i had known tt it was so serious i wldnt have cared abt pw n cca and sld have gone to visit her today.

2. then at metta(cca) it was no better. waste my time trying to teach those kids. a girl just kept asking for answers she din even bother to think. she kept complaining p2 math was hard. (com'on!! wad abt j1 math??!) then the students there had reli poor academic results. i was v nice at first n i was teaching w a smile. then tt particular girl came along w her never-ending pursuit for math answers reli irks me. then i raised my voice at her. i din scold her. just tt i got pissed. got reli moody in sch today.

3. at sch, it was the same, i felt dumb during evry lecture. i was such a failure. n i had to hand in eom by tml which i had no idea wad to do. the sample was a lousy 1 or it is just tt i became too stupid to even understand simple instructions.

4. i tink i m suffering from a mental breakdown. evrytime my mum raises the issue of hiring a tutor, i wld first complain abt not having time n i wld end up in tears. i duno y. perhaps tuition was a sign tt my mum was at her wit's ends abt my results n have no choice but to get someone to "enlighten" me. just had a tiff w my mum over the tuition issue n at tis point of time i m tearing.

i get v upset when it comes to concern w my studies.
i have no time
n ppl suggest tt i sld plan my work n have time-management.
but the problem here is that i have no time in the 1st place so how was i to manage it??
answers anybody??
sigh.

***

Lord

i pray that i wun ever hate studying.
i pray that i will never hate studying.
i pray that i will come to love to study one day.
i pray that i will never want to give up on studying.
i pray that my grandma will get well soon.
Thank You in the name of Jesus i pray.

Amen.

***

I'm desperate. I reli am.